Abandoned AgainHow We Repeat Our Childhood in the Present

The woman on the couch looks up at me miserably, tears in her eyes, as she tells me about her most recent bad relationship. Im sick of choosing guys who arent there for me. They seem great, they want me, they tell me how terrific I am, then either they have an affair, or turn on me once we are involved, getting that cold look in their eyes. I can see they dont care after all. I cant stand this. Why do I do this over and over?

In my work as a therapist, I help people discover repeated patterns. Despite our conscious desire and urgent efforts to make our lives better, we end up feeling the same as we did as children, but the feeling of despair and depression can deepen if we see that we are simply repeating our abusive or abandoned childhood.

This may seem confusing to understand, but this is how it works: Rooted deep in the unconscious is a desire to make the story turn out rightto find someone who will finally come through and love us the way we want. But the pattern of repetition, until it is resolved, will cause us to choose people who will do exactly what was done to us as children. If you were abandoned, they will abandon you. If you were hurt physically, this...